Selfish Altruism
by Vainfinde
Summary: HBP Minor Spoilers! After telling Tonks that he is too old, too poor, and too dangerous, Lupin ponders the real reason he will not allow her to get too close. Oneshot


A/N: My first fic. I'm experimenting with the writing style. Let me know what you think.

People lie to themselves to try to be happy. But this wasn't making him happy. Therefore, it wasn't a lie.

_False logic,_ his mind cried out to him. But—all the same— it wasn't a lie, he justified. He was too old for her. She was so full of life, and not at all afraid to be noticed. A flash of bright pink hair every time she entered the room wasn't exactly inconspicuous. He, on the other hand, purposely tried to remain unremarkable. Perhaps it was a subconscious effort, but purposeful nonetheless. How could she possibly expect to do everything she was meant to do, to live her life to the fullest, if she bound herself to him?

_What do I have to offer her? _He sat in silence with hands folded under his chin, elbows propped on the table. _Nothing. Only danger. Only—_ He tried with all the effort he could muster not to complete the thought. It would only complicate things. _Only love. _

In an unusually aggressive display, Lupin threw the book he had been vainly attempting to read earlier across the room. He then collected himself, and calmly walked over to retrieve it. Still crouching and absently leafing through the pages, he chewed his lower lip. _Can I be selfish this once?_

He could not deny longer that he was in love with her. That when he saw her smile, his stomach did flips, and not in an unpleasant way. That when she passed by, just a little too closely, and he caught the unique scent that was unmistakably _her_, it sent shivers down his spine. That her name, which she despised, rolled so easily off his tongue and rang with a beautiful musical quality. She didn't seem to mind as much when he said it. He finally stood up again and began to pace. Merlin's beard, it tore him apart… every crazy, precious, idiosyncrasy that his mind associated with Nymphadora Tonks haunted him. But because he cared so much, that's precisely why he couldn't be with her.

She'd get hurt. _He'd _hurt her. And then he would never be able to live with himself. Besides, she'd be horrified if she ever saw the transformation. He wouldn't blame her; it was gruesome. But when that look came, as it undoubtedly would, that look of utter revulsion and fear, it would destroy him inside, turn his soul to ash. He could not bear to have one more person he loved look at him through a mask of fear.

So was it selfish as well, his reason for denying her? Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had seemed to think he was being ridiculous. They probably thought he was being too noble, not too selfish. _And which one is true? Why can I no longer distinguish? _There seemed to be eternal confusion awaiting Lupin whenever he thought of Tonks.

Her outburst "I don't care!" rang again in his mind. Was it possible? Could his lycanthropy actually not change anything? It had affected everything, in some way or another. It had touched every aspect of his life since the bite early in his childhood. Of course it would change something. But…could she actually accept this part of him as well, and love him, not despite it, but in some small way because of it?

Lupin began to put aside his doubt, finally recognizing it for what it was. So he didn't understand why someone so vibrant and beautiful as Tonks would love him, but he could at least have the faith in her to believe her when she said it didn't make a difference to her that he was a werewolf. He could purge those selfish feelings of doubt and fear.

Tonks loved him. The thought still made him feel a little light-headed.

He loved her as well.

_Nobility, propriety, selfishness…_did it matter? Why was he denying both of them this? If he refused, it would wound her deeply. He never wanted to cause her pain.

The door opened with a slight creaking sound. He stopped pacing and gave a sad, slow smile as he caught Tonks's eye.

"Remus…" she began uncertainly. Her hair was still mousy brown and unkempt, her eyes dull. The shining face that he had come to know so well was did not have its usual glow tonight, and was etched with sorrow. Lupin silenced her, placing a finger on her lips and then cupping her face in his hands.

"Nymphadora…" The ghost of a smirk hovered over her lips, and her brow twitched with the beginnings of a frown simultaneously. "I love you. Of that let there be no question." Her eyes lit up, but she knew there was more he had to say and so did not give in fully to her impulsive reaction of joy. "Though you deserve better than me." She tried to interrupt here but he would have none of it. Tonks contented herself with placing her hand over his where it rested on her cheek. "I cannot bear to see you in so much pain," he continued, brushing a lock of her limp hair from her eyes. The skin of his other hand was afire where she touched him, and being so close was intoxicating. "Are you sure you wish to waste your youth on me? I have nothing to offer you—"

"Yes, you do. Everything that matters." Her grip on his hand tightened and she leaned her face into it, closing her eyes momentarily. Then the fierceness shone in her eyes and rang in her voice, along with an underlying desperation. "Remus, how many times must I tell you? I don't care! I don't care to hear any more excuses. I want _you, _werewolf and everything. I want to be there when you change back, be there for you because you need that and nothing would make me happier. I love you, and if I have to go one more day waiting for you to finally realize that that's enough, that that is everything, it will kill me!" Her voice had grown shrill and tears stung in her eyes.

He smiled that heartbreakingly beautiful sad smile again. The steely resolve was weakening, melting. Just like he was as he stared into her eyes. Burying his face in her hair, he whispered, "I only want what's best for you."

"And that, my dear," she responded with a sly glance, her lips practically touching his ear, "is you." Tonks was returning rapidly to her usual self. Her hair was once again bubble-gum pink and spiky, her eyes bright and shining with that slight glint of mischief. The change had occurred so subtly Lupin was hardly able to pinpoint exactly when it had occurred. But as he beheld her, beaming with love, he knew the decision had been made long ago, and could not imagine a life without her.

Lupin acknowledged her statement, expressing his acceptance wordlessly as he kissed her in the dark, candlelight room. It was a sweet surrender, and he certainly felt like he had won much more than he had lost. Never breaking the kiss, he reached out and closed the door, which had remained just barely propped open. When they finally broke apart, one thought took hold in the racing chaos that was Lupin's mind. It was a new moon, and a new beginning.


End file.
